So . . . it's almost Christmas, that most joyous time of year, the one I can't stand. Before you go rushing to judgment about my motivations, let me offer my modest proposal for how we all handle the holidays going forward and my reasons for it. Keep in mind I am not out to ruin anyone's fun, that this is just a blog written by someone who occasionally goes on crazed rants (about pizza, amongst other things) and that I did this on December 23rd so that this could be well ignored and forgotten before the actual holiday hits. My vitriol towards xmas after the jump.
I want to cancel Christmas. Not every year, mind you, just once in a while. I figure that most estimates have Christians making up about 70-80% of the population, so I'll be generous and say once in every ten years there should be no Christmas. Allow me to explain.
For those that want to go to church and celebrate the religious aspect of the holiday, this has nothing to do with you. The Christmas I am proposing to be suspended every decade is the garish, in-your-face, over-the-top tackyfest that begins every November. Furthermore, I am not proposing that people be prevented from having trees in their houses, exchanging gifts, and getting together. What I want to put on hiatus are the overt signs of Christmas - the lights, the music, the television programming, etc. In other words, I want it to be possible to go through November and December without thinking of Christmas once, unless you want to.
The lights are particularly offensive. Not only are they broadcasting the homeowner's cultural membership to whomever passes by, they have spawned the recent phenomenon of year-round house decoration. Hallowe'en is Christmas in October. Easter is Christmas in March or April. And it truly boggles the mind to think of how much money is thrown away on this stuff.
The music: I had a boss once who liked Christmas music. He would put it on in September. In the retail store in which I worked. I want to be able to listen to the radio without hearing all the old crap that provides retirement money for any artist who has ever recorded a holiday song.
You get the idea. And I don't think it's so outlandish. Do people actually derive joy from the overt signs of Christmas? Maybe, I don't know. I've never had lights on my house or a Christmas tree (nor do I want them). But I'm sure that we could all do without them for one year in ten.
Look, I'm not one to insist that a Christmas tree be called a holiday tree or get offended if someone wishes me a merry Christmas even though I don't celebrate it. I don't think that Christmas should be watered down so that it seems more inclusive. Nor do we have to pretend that the majority of people don't celebrate Christmas. By the same token, we don't need to act as though everyone does. And don't even get me started on Santa (okay, I'll get started: I don't get why parents, who spend inordinate amounts of money on gifts and slave away to make that money then give credit to an imaginary fat man; even worse is that they try to maintain the illusion of his existence even when the kids start to figure it out).
I know that Christmas is essential for the retail industry, and that our economy depends on lots of spending at that time, but if people are still celebrating the holiday in the privacy of their own homes, there still should be a good amount of spending going on. Take Christmas underground every ten years or so. Maybe everyone will enjoy it: those that don't celebrate the holiday get a break, and those that do can enjoy it even more the following year.
Who is with me? I'll even spot you some years - let's start in 2015 and go every decade on the fives. Sound good?
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