So . . . for some reason, Charlie Sheen has been on my mind today. I'm not a big ma-Sheen fan (I like Major League, and he's been okay in some other movies, but I detest Two and a Half Men) nor do I devote a lot of my time to celeb gossip, but the Sheen trainwreck has been pretty much unavoidable. I have a few thoughts and ideas about what's going on with Hollywood's baddest of bad-boys (Mel, you're going to have to step up your game to top this one) that I'd like to share with you.
The main impetus for this post is that I read Charlie Sheen's rant at "Men" producer Chuck Lorre (for whom I myself have no love lost, as he is not only responsible for Men but also the show on which nerds date and the show on which fat people date) yesterday, and was trying to think of a witty Facebook status update that could use a quote from it. The problem was that the rant itself so defied rationality that to excerpt it would be to diminish it too much. So here it is in its entirety:
What does this say about Haim Levine [Chuck Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows ... I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.
Remember these are my people ... not yours...we will continue on together...
Charlie Sheen
Now that's all kinds of crazy. Look, I don't think that Sheen should be forced to go into rehab, and I don't buy that because Men is a family show that he needs to set some kind of example. But he's a problem employee, and his bosses had to do something about it. He certainly shouldn't have to break out of rehab (caught on tape here) or have his family subjected to humiliating questions. Although you would think that his dad, as a former U.S. president, could do something about the situation. Besides, it's clear why Charlie Sheen doesn't want any part of rehab (besides apparently curing himself of addiction with his mind) - they don't let you jet around the world with porn stars and blow when you're in rehab.
But if Sheen, as a grown adult, should be allowed to do what he wants with his life, CBS should be allowed to do what they want with their show. Sheen is under contract at $2 million an episode, and I would start by considering that a sunk cost (the show is a huge moneymaker for CBS, they won't suffer). While others (such as top TV critic Alan Sepinwall) have their own solutions like replacing Sheen, I say they Suzanne Somers his ass. When Somers caused trouble with her demands (salary and otherwise) on Three's Company, they marginalized her character and had her only "call-in" to Jack and Janet for about two minutes an episode. Just like Chrissy was supposedly off visiting her family, have Charlie off in rehab, or better yet, prison. Allow him one phone call a week, where he has to do embarrassing things and say ridiculous lines (maybe like the quote above!). Meanwhile, hire someone else to fill his usual place on the show, and then move on.
Don't buy him out or cut him loose. Make him suffer, just like he has made others involved with the show suffer (everyone from execs and producers down to manual labour on the show). In other words, invite him into your octagon and meet him with your fire-breathing fists.
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