Friday, September 30, 2011

Don't Call Me, I Won't Call You

So . . . I don't know what's going on, whether I am on some list of very generous/gullible/surveyable people or if I have just been unlucky, but I have been receiving record numbers of telemarketing calls.  I mean multiple times a day.  Charities, businesses, polling companies, my family, you name it, the calls just keep pouring in.  And I want it to stop (well, except for my family - you can still call once in a while, but please stay within the limits I've assigned you!).  It's annoying, it's unnecessary, and it's driving me up the wall.  I've tried being rude to them and that hasn't stopped the incessant ringing.  Why won't they leave me alone?

Look, I teach marketing, and I know that telemarketing is cheap enough that it makes financial sense even when the success rate is abysmal.  And I know that the people calling, regardless of the country of origin of the call (though I must say there seems to be a vastly increasing number of people with strong Indian accents and very whitebread names), are low-paid employees who probably don't want to be part of the phone call any more than I do.  But there has got to be a better way.  Based on my experience, though, I don't think anything is going to change.

Before you rush to the comment box to tell me, I know that there is a do-not-call registry in Canada.  It's a great idea.  And it is terribly executed.  First of all, unless someone like myself signs up to the registry (easy), waits 30 days (the grace period given to callers to update their lists), and then monitors calls for wrongdoing (not so easy), nothing happens.  The onus is on the private citizen to report telemarketing transgressors, which triggers an investigation and a possible fine (which, to be fair, is quite severe - $15,000 per incident).  More telling is the list of those callers exempt from the requirement to leave people like me alone.  Here's who can call anyone, whether they have registered as do-not-call or not:

  • Charities
  • Government
  • Market research and polling firms
  • Political parties
  • Newspapers
  • Any company you have done business with in the past six months
The last one is what gets me.  Do you have a Sears card?  If so, Sears can call you for anything!  Duct cleaning, furnace repair, prison services, anything.  Cancel your service with Bell?  They can hound you for up to half a year and get off scot-free.  When you look at this list, that pretty much makes up everyone who calls, doesn't it?  Might as well just list the windows and doors people as exempt and get it over with.  The way the registry is set up offends me more than this film (Warning!  Do not click on the link if you are squeamish.  It's just an article, not a video, but what it describes is tremendously offensive and disgusting, and offends me far more than the do-not-call registry ever could.  Yes, you caught me, I engage in exaggeration).  

And what is really getting under my skin is that the incentives with regard to receiving calls are out of whack.  My wife recently gave some money to a charity.  Do you think that shut them up and had them leave us alone for a while?  Hell no!  Now they call more often.  From a marketing standpoint this makes perfect sense, because people who have given before are more likely to give again.  But if my reward for donating (other than warm fuzzy feelings, of course) is more telemarketing calls, why would I give?

Which brings me to the only solution I can come up with (other than disconnecting my phone, which believe me, I've thought of - not just for junk calls, but because of my disdain for communicating with the outside world in general) is for everyone in the world to just say no.  Say no to telemarketing calls.  Because no matter how cheap telemarketing is, if it results in zero sales, companies would stop.  Even if you want what they are selling (e.g. your carpets are dirty), say no and then seek the company out on your own.  

And while being rude to the poor schlub who has to call you may be mean and probably won't help, it sure can make you feel good, can't it?

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