Learning From Our Scars

So . . . we have a habit of making the same mistakes over and over.  An important lesson that we try to teach our kids is that you can learn from your mistakes, but it seems we don't necessarily incorporate that into our behaviour.  Either through blindness to the mistake or wishful thinking that things will turn out differently next time, we fail to adjust our behaviour in light of evidence that something isn't working.  And all of this is on my mind because of a movie I re-watched last night.  The film, and the lesson, after the jump.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is an excellent film that got good critical reviews when it was released but failed to find a big audience (total box office gross: $72 million - good, but not a hit).  It's pretty much the opposite of a romantic comedy, disguised as a romantic comedy (while both funny and romantic in parts, it's also very sad and misanthropic).  Spoilers will abound throughout this post if you haven't seen it, and I recommend seeing it before reading this because the film uses surprise and has a particular storytelling manner that I wouldn't want to ruin for you.

The basic message of this movie, to me, is that we continue to make attempts at things that fail.  The protagonists' relationship failed so spectacularly (and we see some of that) that both want the memory of the experience wiped from their brains.  Then, even when they are armed with that knowledge, they choose to try their relationship again with this blank slate.  Isn't that pretty much what everyone does with interpersonal relationships?  The same faults that we have that have ruined past relationships (whether romantic, familial, or friendships) will crop up again in new ones.  Unless you happen to find someone that can put up with your crap, your crap will spoil things.  And still we try and try.

There is a throwaway line in the film that captures this message perfectly.  Kirsten Dunst's character is reciting a quote to her boss and misattributes it to "Pope Alexander" instead of Alexander Pope.  When she's corrected, she says that she has been telling herself not to make that mistake and she went ahead and made it anyway.  When a relationship ends, we say that we're never going to do that again, and then we dive back in.

In an earlier post I provided this quote from Einstein: "Insanity: doing the same thing over again but expecting a different result."  In this movie, the two main characters are starting the same relationship, will have the same problems, and it will likely meet the same end.  And they can't stop themselves from trying, which in one sense is inspiring, but another is insane.  As insane as CBS thinking that rehab will work this time for Charlie Sheen (Sheen is actually a perfect example of this: not only is he caught in a cycle of rehab/relapse repetion, but his character on Two and a Half Men pretty much goes through the same plot line every episode).

In the movie, Jim Carrey's character realizes partway through his memory being erased that he wants to keep his memories, because they are mostly happy.  Of course, if he kept his memories, and the scars from his past relationships, he would not want to re-enter a relationship with Kate Winslet.  Our situational view of relationships (it didn't work this time for these reasons) provide us no such protection from entering a very similar relationship when one fails.  And, to tie it more to what this blog tends to be about, we continue to make irrational decisions even when we are aware of the irrational biases we possess.  Only when we choose to change our behaviour (e.g. today I'm leaving my credit cards at home) can we change the outcome.

And yet we can't help ourselves.  Swearing off interpersonal contact is no solution (though it would free up more time to watch movies like this).  The key, I think, is to take a look at yourself and make that change.  Words of wisdom from Michael Jackson, another apt example of a repetitive cycle of destructive behaviour.  I guess he didn't really talk to the Man in the Mirror.