So . . . parenting is tricky business (I know, and water is wet). It seems as though the more information out there, the more opportunity to screw it up. We all want the best for our children (well, other than maybe Michael Lohan and the Golden Voiced Homeless Guy) and try to raise them right. Of course, we all have a different definition of what "right" is - one person's parenting is another's irresponsible neglect or overstrict bullying. But a new book is claiming to have the answer when it comes to rearing your child. More on so-called "Chinese Parenting," and why it's probably not all it's cracked up to be, after the jump.
Amy Chua's book "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" has been getting a lot of attention in major media (like this example from the Wall Street Journal). Her basic premise is that the "Chinese" way of raising children, which can be viewed as overly harsh and at times even abusive, is superior to the "Western" way. What seems like the demolition of self-esteem is actually the building of good work habits and achievement. Anything less than excellence (e.g. all A's in school) is a complete failure, worthy of the child being called "garbage" and being told that he or she has shamed the family.
This article came to my attention because several friends posted links to it on Facebook, all with some version of the following: "I totally believe in this, my parents did it with me and look at me now!". There is no doubt that this parenting approach can work; Chua's own children are high achievers. The friends that posted links are also high achievers. This system absolutely can work.
But it can also fail. Without getting into specific stats (though there are stats, for example, the higher rate of suicide amongst Chinese girls as opposed to other ethnic groups), the story seems to be built on biases and fallacies.
The first fallacy is the narrative fallacy. The "tiger mother" narrative is an appealing one: children are given increasingly difficult challenges and constraints as they grow into young adults, and overcome them. It's a classic hero narrative - just as you think the protagonist cannot succeed, he or she does. The article in the Wall Street Journal even includes an anecdote that conforms to this perfectly. A less appealing narrative is one in which the protagonist crumbles under the pressure or in the face of an insurmountable task; therefore, that narrative is ignored.
The second fallacy is one I had written about when I discussed the notion of ten thousand hours (the idea, popularized in Malcolm Gladwell's book Outliers, that to become exceptional at something takes ten thousand hours of practice). If I practiced piano for that long, would I be better than I am? Absolutely. Would I be concert-pianist calibre, as Chua's kids are? Not necessarily. No matter how many hours I practice, I have no guarantee of success. I could force my children to work extremely hard at basketball or ballet or chess, but if they do not have the necessary requirements (height, build, different systems of thought) they will never be exceptional at it. In other words, hard work does not always result in achievement.
There is also a confirmation bias present in Chua's parenting method. When it works, we take notice. When it fails, we don't. We may even deny that the failure occurred because of the parenting (which may or may not be the case, but it should not be summarily dismissed as a contributing factor). Those who were either raised this way or raise their children this way (or both) will naturally cite examples that support their case (just as detractors will cite examples to support their perspective). Holding her own family up as an example does not indicate success of the method, but rather one instance of such success.
The other bias worth discussing is that of survivorship. We hear the stories of the successful cases because they are in a postion to tell those stories. Chua is a law professor at Yale. She is an a position of influence. But what about those kids who didn't respond well to "Chinese" parenting? Their stories aren't told. They are noticeable enough to provide disconfirming evidence.
I have had, amongst other ethnicities, Chinese and Western students in my classes. I have had some of each who are diligent, hardworking, and obsessive about success and grades; I have had some of each who are lazy, apathetic, and a negative influence on the class. But I have also had several Chinese students who were not achieving their targets. They told me that they have been physically ill before exams and were terrified of their parents' reaction. I felt sorry for them, but that did not raise their grade. In other words, the panic and worry did not lead to achievement.
On balance I probably fall on the more strict end of the parenting continuum, but I also believe that every child is different, and you have to adjust your methods and expectations based on the individual. Do I want my kids to achieve great things? Of course. But I don't think that there is one right way to reach that goal. And you can bet I won't call my kids garbage.
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