So . . . Lebron had his big announcement show last night and main thing that he announced is that he is a raging asshole.
(Aside: It is entirely possible that I would not be as upset by "The Decision" if the decision had been that he would come to my long-suffering Knicks. But I think that even his "chosen" fans can and should feel a little disappointed in the lack of character he displayed).
(Aside two: I will probably use a greater quantity of questionable language than I usually do, but I don't think there are kids reading this blog. If you are reading this blog and a kid, you are very precocious. Now stop reading.)
(Aside three: This turned out longer than I expected; I guess I have more to say about how shitty Lebron came off than I thought. Read on if you want.)
If I could build a time machine that would take me back 24 hours, and I could somehow gain access to Lebron prior to his announcement (which would be tougher? I really don't know.), here's the advice I would give him.
1. Don't do "The Decision" show. There is no way you will come off looking good. At best you will make the fans of one team (out of, say, five that thought they were contenders) happy - and even then, as I mentioned above, you could still emerge looking dickish. Plus, no one has ever done something like this before, in any sport. By doing this show (and apparently the idea emerged as long ago as February) you are implicitly saying you are the most important athlete ever. I know that sometimes actions can create attitudes, but if people don't think you are so important (or at least think you would be in contention for the honour), you just look like a douchebag. When Shaq changed teams, when MJ returned from retirement (twice), when Brett Favre retired and returned (3 times and counting), none of them made it a TV special. Just hold a press conference like a normal person.
However, if you are going to ignore advice point #1, then at least follow these:
2. Don't refer to yourself in the third person. Major prick move, especially when you say things like "Lebron James has got to do what's best for Lebron James." Someone saying this would look like a dick even if he wasn't Lebron James.
3. Tell the teams that you are rejecting prior to the broadcast. I know that you wanted to keep a lid on things, but you could have called the five or so teams that thought they might be getting you in the ten minutes before the show. What you did instead was the equivalent of breaking up with your girlfriend over the phone, only the phone call was being listened to by millions of people.
This point especially applies to your fans in Cleveland. I read one reporter, prior to the announcement, who claimed it must be Cleveland that Lebron would choose because it would be unprecedentedly arrogant for him to make a nationally-televised announcement saying he is leaving. Guess what: Lebron proved himself to be unprecedentedly arrogant.
4. Don't go to Miami. You claim that your decision was driven by wanting to win championships, and teaming with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh certainly increases the probability of this happening (but I would still argue that without at least another two pieces - a point guard who can reliably hit the 3 and a center who lives for blocking shots and grabbing boards - the greatest probability is that they will win one or zero championships in the next five years). But championship rings, methinks, are only a means to an end for Lebron. That end would be the legacy and brand he has spoken about so much in the past. And that brand took a hard hit last night. He mentioned that he hoped his fans would follow him to Miami. I know there are a lot of Lebron fans out there, but most of them started as Cleveland Cavalier fans, and he more or less flipped them the bird last night.
Consider also that the SuperFriends in Miami (coined last night, not by me) will probably not last, especially if success is not swift and unequivocal. History has shown that top-level teams don't stick together that long.
If you're going to ignore advice #4 . . .
5. Come up with a better explanation. Say that you have the chance to play with your best friends in the NBA, guys who came into the league at the same time as you and who you like spending time with. Explain that if a fan had the chance to go and work at a job that he loves with his best friends, how could he pass that up? Make it like you're a regular Joe who just likes to goof around (you know, like your image prior to the announcement). You may come off sounding like a character in a Nickleback song, but at least you'll seem human.
6. Seem human. Lebron on the court is energetic, fun, larger than life. On TV last night he was dour, serious, and hardly cracked a smile. I assume he was trying to portray the gravitas necessary for such a portentous occasion, and didn't want to seem like he was happy that he was pissing all over his fan base (related note: US Weekly reported yesterday, prior to the announcement, that Lebron had already planned a huge party in South Beach for this weekend). Don't try to pretend that you're forced into the choice you made.
Because that's what it comes down to - Lebron had more power in this situation than pretty much any athlete, ever. And that he chose to present his decision in such a assholish way shows how highly he regards himself and how lowly he regards the rest of us.
Now, if there was some way I could use my time machine to get him to choose the Knicks instead . . .
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